Turning Toward One Another II

Finding Common Ground

I was out with two friends not long ago at an outdoor dance performance.  The venue was packed and the air was celebratory.  As with numerous, if not most, concerts and performances, this event was cancelled last year due to COVID. The majority of attendees, including myself, were not wearing masks. Oh, the freedom of returning to some sense of neo-normal!

Our differences can divide us

I was sitting between my two friends who are on opposite ends of the spectrum, as far as receiving a vaccine and mask-wearing, and anti-vaccine, non-mask-wearing.  We are talking ends of the spectrum.   This discussion continued this morning in my writing group, with opposing opinions, all of which are backed up by different research studies.

We, as a nation and culture, continue to be split.  Although sadly it continues to seem very much along political lines, it’s not completely split along these lines. The tension is palpable, as the delta variant surges.

Our world is turbulent.  Not only is this evident in political attitudes and attitudes toward vaccines, it is also evident in our climate, with very large weather events.   In Colorado where I live, after last year’s fire season, we have experienced flash flooding and mudslides, closing Glenwood Canyon, part of a major thoroughfare along interstate 70, for an indeterminant period of time.  At the same time, our skies were grey with smoke from the horrific California fires.  Record heat scorches the western US and Canada.

Will this ever end??

Many of us stand in our self-righteous attitudes.  But what do these attitudes do but create more distance?

Healing the gap

In recent years in my therapy practice, I have been incorporating Internal Family Systems (IFS), the approach to therapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz.   I love this work, particularly because the foundational premise is that there is an animating, healing force, which we refer to by various names:  spirit, the Universe, prana, God, divine energy.  In IFS language, It’s referred to as Self energy,  It’s not religious.  It’s the energy that is present to heal a wound, whether physical or emotional, whether individual, cultural or global.

Present in the healing Self energy are the “8 C’s of Self-leadership:”  confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness.

How can developing these qualities help with healing the gap?

IFS begins with separating and exploring the many “parts” of ourselves that separate us from ourselves and others.    I think of it as peeling back the layers of an onion to get to the truth of who we are, the healing energy we hold, at our core.   This entails developing curiosity and compassion, two of the 8 C’s, toward these parts.  

While working with clients, I am also working myself to cultivate self-compassion.  I have a very harsh Inner Critic that has delivered large doses of criticism and subsequently paralyzed me with shame for decades.   I recognize how my harsh self-criticism can be projected onto others.  I can become a perfectionist and self-righteous in my opinions and approaches.   Would I rather be right, for example in my attitudes about getting the vaccine, or happier in relationship with others?

At this time when we are so divided, how can we turn toward one another with curiosity, to listen better, create deeper understanding and create connectedness in our differences instead of self-righteousness and animosity?    How might this create more calm in our world instead of continuing turbulence?

It’s very difficult to listen to loved ones, especially, who may have polar differences in opinion.  But what do we really want?   More dissonance and isolation (haven’t we had enough through COVID) or connection?

I encourage you, as I encourage my clients, to begin with self-compassion

Do you have a harsh Inner Critic?  Ask yourself, “what is this critical part trying to do?  How is it trying to help me?”  Then look at how you might be projecting that critical part onto others.   Ask, “How am I judging others as harshly as I am judging myself?  How can I become a better listener and facilitate connection, even if I don’t agree?”

As one of my wise-women friends says, “The truth is somewhere in the middle.”

If you’re interested in trying IFS therapy, please contact me to learn more.