Self-compassion: Intention for the new year

I recently returned from a week-long retreat in Costa Rica with my long-time teacher Rod Stryker.   As my practice was feeling stagnant, especially since COVID shut the world down to in-person retreats, this retreat reawakened my passion with the remembrance of the power of these Tantric practices.   Among the many highlights of this week were chanting the Gayatri mantra 108 times, with the howler monkeys joining in (after being silent), as well as a kirtan for our group with Deva Premal and Miten.  

One focus of this retreat, which I am taking into the new year, is the practice of developing self-compassion.   In over 23 years of working with clients in private practice, I have noticed that 99.9% of my clients have a pesky Inner Critic, dishing out harshness, criticism and shame that leads to a core belief around not being good enough.  I often contemplate if this is a product of our capitalistic culture, where we are so disconnected from one another, having to strive to make ends meet and comparing ourselves to what we see on social media?  

While I have done decades of work addressing my own Inner Critic, I was recently faced with a challenging situation where my Inner Critic started screaming at me, “What’s wrong with you?  How could you have done that?”  I spent a good two weeks in turmoil about a mistake I had made.   I reminded myself of what I know and how I work with clients around engaging Self energy, the connection to the innate healing energy that we are born with that gets covered with traumas and life experiences, or in yoga what we refer to as samskaras, seeds that have been planted.  I recognize and acknowledge my Inner Critic, where it came from, and what it’s trying to do to help me in some well-intentioned but misguided way (imagine a parent trying to get their child to behave or perform through criticism and shaming instead of support and guidance).  It’s so easy to sit in compassion with my clients for the parts of them that have been hurt.  Why is it so hard to do this for myself?   

It’s the nature of our minds to make meaning of our life experiences (samskaras) and then project these meanings onto current life situations.  We have a choice:  are we going to continue to live from these experiences or do the work and practices to heal?   

We’ve all been hurt and we have caused others pain.  We’ve all done things we regret.  Yet, how does being held hostage by our pain and shame keep us from sharing our innate gifts and our light with a world that so desperately needs it?

I’ve had two interesting experiences since engaging self-compassion practices, both involving former partners who were less than kind.  The first experience was at a memorial service for a long-time friend who died from injuries sustained in a tragic accident.  I was caught off-guard at running into this man, not wanting to ever see him again.  When he approached me, a wave of compassion washed over me.  While he caused me a lot of pain, I could feel his pain that caused him to be so abusive.  The second experience came in a dream where this former partner, who had been a sour, unhappy alcoholic, morphed into a small child.  I could see and feel his pain from the seeds that had been planted in his childhood.  In the dream, I held gently held the face of this small child in my hands while he cried.  

To be clear, compassion isn’t always warm and fuzzy.  Sometimes compassion is fierce, as in tough love and healthy boundaries.  While I felt compassion for these former partners, that didn’t mean I wanted to engage further with either of them.   It was for me, and for me to release them from the chains of anger and resentment I had held for many years.  

How are you allowing your Inner Critic to hold you hostage, withholding love and compassion the parts of you that have been hurt?  How are you not forgiving yourself from past mistakes, real or imagined?

If you would like to engage in an active practice of self-compassion, I offer two additional resources outside of my work with clients.  The first is the Sanctuary app by Rod Stryker.  There are a wealth of meditation and yoga nidra practices on this app, along with specific practices for developing self-compassion.  The second is the work on self-compassion by Kristin Neff.  Fierce Self-Compassion is written specifically for women.  She has two other books as well as the Mindful Self-Compassion workbook.  

Please reach out to me if you would like to learn more about how I incorporate these practices into my work with clients.